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It was raining and we were laughing as we began our trek to the car. I was holding my coat up high over my head with one hand while the other held a cup of hot chocolate. When the light changed I began to jog across the street. My daughter yelled to me, but I didn’t answer. The puddles were everywhere; she’d have to wait until I made it across to get my attention.
This was my mistake.
Because the next thing I knew-thud, thud, thud, thud, thud; I was rolling across the street. Shocked and confused, minutes later I stood up and said to my daughter, “I think I just got hit my a car.” As if she didn’t know. As if she didn’t try to stop me. As if she didn’t witness the entire scene.
How does one manage to get hit by a car you ask? Standing on the street corner, when the “Walk” sign lit up, I quickly headed across due to the weather. The rain, my coat and being blind in my left eye surely all played a part in my not seeing this car turning right and toward me. I don’t know why the driver did not see me. Was she texting? Was she changing her radio station? Was her mind a million miles away? I’ll never know because I did not ask. I was lucky: I had no broken bones, no concussion, just a few scrapes and scratches. The chronic hip pain came later.
I’ll never forget what when through my head after I got hit by that car. I thought:
Wow, I could have died.
Wow, everything can change in an instant.
Wow, I waste a lot of life energy on stupid stuff.
Later that night, curled up on the couch in front of the fire, I decided stupid stuff does not deserve my attention. There are really only a few things in life that matter, and much that doesn’t.
An aggravating co-worker isn’t worth getting aggravated over.
A messy house matters very, very little. It will eventually get cleaned.
A rude store clerk or customer service rep or relative is just having a bad day; it’s really not about me anyway.
Being late to church, my daughter missing the bus, over cooking the chicken for dinner: small stuff.
All of this begs the question; what does matter? For me, and likely for you, it’s this:
Having people to love in my life.
Having a faith that brings me hope, joy and purpose.
Being happy and content with what I have.
End. Of. Story. The rest is just life: it comes, it goes, it can all be gone in an instant. It will take care of itself, one day at a time. So worry not, and watch where you walk in the rain.
Have your ever had a life-changing moment? If so, how did it affect you?
One, two, three, GO. It’s how I feel about the holiday season. One day I’m noticing the leaves are just beginning to change colors, and the next I’m like, ‘Holy Smokes! I need to get moving!”
It’s time to buy a turkey, make a dinner, give thanks, attend a cocktail party, shop, find a tree, decorate a tree, decorate a house, shop, attend a school holiday concert, nudge my husband into hanging outdoor lights, shop, bake, wrap, shop, wrap, bake, get another turkey or ham or beef tenderloin who knows which, buy the dog his gifts, oh shoot-send my cards, wrap, oh yea-I forgot so and so; shop, wrap, church and finally…Enjoy the actual holidays.
I do love the holiday season.
I don’t love stress.
And I am pretty good at knowing how to stress. Pretty good at thinking ahead and planning and then ultimately, worrying about the details. And stress can make me a Grinch.
A few weeks back I was dwelling on a get together I was going to host. I wasn’t sure how many people were coming. Which led to: Did I buy enough food? Did I have enough wine? Could I get some of the dishes prepared ahead of time as needed? Was I going to run out of napkins, steak knives, potatoes? Finally I was sick of thinking about it.
So I asked God for help. I asked him to calm my heart. I asked him to remind me why I’d invited people over in the first place:
To renew the bonds of friendship.
I did not invite people over to worry about the small stuff.
I feel strongly that God wants us to celebrate life. To enjoy our journey along the way. After all, how can we be a representative of Christ if we are bitter and cranky? Scripture supports these thoughts.
Proverbs 17:22: A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.”
1 Thessolonians 5:16-17: Rejoice always, pray without ceasing.
Psalms 118:24: This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
When I asked God to help me be calm about my party, to embrace the good instead of worrying over it, I realized a great truth: Worry robs me of joy.
These two emotions are mutually exclusive; I can’t fret and feel joyful at the same time. I have to choose. I have to pick a side, so to speak.
Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve are three important days to celebrate. I don’t want to spend the days in between them in a tizzy. I want to anticipate these days with pleasure, I want to remember why we celebrate them in the first place.
So this year, I’ve decided: no more time wasted on petty worries. It’s time to trust God with the details. As we head into the holiday season: I choose joy. JOY. So much more peaceful than worry. You can bet my husband and kids will approve of my choice.
There will be moments when I am challenged, lots of times when I’ll have to re-frame my thoughts (think: lumpy turkey gravy, long check out lines, busy parking lots, cheap wrapping paper that rips). So be it. I may forget on occasion that I chose joy, but I will strive for it. I mean, if I have to choose one or the other, if I have to pick a side, I choose Team Joy. And when I do, I win-no matter the score. So do those around me. So does God.
I did not expect to lose it in the shower. I was fine before I got in. But as my hands gently scrubbed my scalp and my mind began to wander, I considered all the tasks I needed to get done on this day. And that is when it came to me; this is…hard. It was then that my salty tears mingled with the cascade of hot water pouring down from the showerhead and put simply: I lost it.
Crying unexpectedly; this is what people mean when they say grief comes in waves.
My brother and I are cleaning out my father’s house. Because my mother passed away earlier this year and because Dad no longer lives there, we are going to rent his home (Dad doesn’t want to sell it). And so we are cleaning and sorting and selling. We are going through old clothes and old photos and old memories. We are deciding what to keep, and what to let go.
Letting go, both physically and emotionally is tough.
And so on this day I am grieving my loss of what was and what is no more. It has hit me hard but I am searching for the good. I am looking for the silver lining.
As a Christian, I know I can count on silver linings. I know there is good behind what I sometimes perceive as bad or sad or difficult. There is purpose in things I do not understand. There are countless verses in the Bible to remind me of these truths. In Proverbs 3:5-6 I read that we are to have faith, even when we do not understand. In Jeremiah 29:11 God tells me he has plans for me and his plans are prosperous plans, plans to give me hope and a future. All things, God tells me, work together for my good, the good of all those who love him (Romans 8:28).
As a Christian, I am asked to have faith: I am asked to love and trust God regardless of my circumstances. And so, I will.
So what is my silver lining in this year of change and grief? It takes a minute, or thirty, but eventually it comes to me. My silver lining is…My father.
My father, who lost his wife, who spent his own time in the hospital dealing with issues related to Parkinson’s, who had the rug pulled out from under him when he suddenly had to move into assisted living…My father, is doing well.
He is coping with his grief.
He is making a new life for himself in his new home. He smiles, he laughs, and he accepts the changes that have come his way.
He is doing new things. In fact, the truth is, my father’s social calendar is much more exciting than mine.
While I’ve been worrying that my Dad would sit around his apartment all alone, I’ve discovered he’s never in his room when I call.
While I’ve worried he might lose interest in his hobbies, I’ve discovered he’s still excited to go to every Colts game, every tail gate, every soccer game and cross country meet of my daughters (how did I ever think he’d lose interest in sports?).
While I worried he’d become bored, my dad has been filling his time doing things he’s never done before.
In August he went to the fair. He stuffed himself with fair food and rode the giant slides.
In September he went fishing on a local lake. Two pontoon boats filled with senior citizens catching largemouth bass. #prettycool.
In October he called to tell me he went zip lining. ZIP LINING. He even made the local newspaper with that one.
And this month, I found a picture of him on Twitter. TWITTER. He was posing at the resident Luau party.
In a matter of weeks my dad will accompany my family to Florida for the Thanksgiving holiday. Due to mom’s illness, he hasn’t flown in a number of years; it will be good to see him put his toes in the sand.
It has been a rough year for my family for sure. Things are now different, they will never be what they once were. But if my dad can cope, than so can I.
Cleaning out my dad’s house? Not particularly fun. But I will remember it as a house that was well lived in, a house once filled to the brim with laughter and love. I can be grateful for that.
And besides, my Dad may be giving up his house, but he isn’t giving up on living. It’s exactly what my mother would have wanted for him. It is my silver lining, and it’s a good one.
1-When I was a kid, I used a pillowcase for my candy haul; everyone used a pillowcase. Now my kids have Halloween-themed trick or treat bags. They are in no way as strong as the generic pillowcase, and they are a lot smaller.
2-Back in the day, we made our costumes every year. Maybe it was just my family, but we never bought costumes. A mask maybe…I’ve made a good number of costumes over the years for my kiddos, but oddly enough to me, it was always a fight. They actually preferred the cheap, itchy store bought costumes, at least until they saw the costume we creatively put together.
3-The costumes weren’t nearly as cool as they are now (neither were the jack-o-lanterns). There are so many creative, cool and unique costumes now. Thank you, Internet. Again, we didn’t buy our costumes so maybe that is why they were of the standard fare. I was a witch, a ghost, a ballerina-once I was a Ho-Bo. Can you imagine a kid dressed as a homeless man in this day and age? It would be appalling and politically incorrect and would likely make the evening news.
4-There were always news reports about checking the candy for razor blades and the like, but it just scared the kids, not the parents. I can remember examining my candy but after checking about 3 pieces or so, I’d give up the fight. It was too much work. And besides my parents didn’t seem the least bit concerned, so neither was I.
5-The parents never went out with us. Maybe yours did, but mine didn’t. “Have fun,” they would say as we took off with a bunch of neighborhood kids. I think they were grateful to have us out of their hair for an hour or two.
6-We actually wore our costumes to elementary school. Somehow over the years, this has become taboo. When I was young, pretty much everyone let his or her child celebrate Halloween, and if you didn’t, well that was your deal, no one cared. The rest of us wore our costumes to school and had a party. We even called it a Halloween party. And no one got too scared, at least not that I can remember.
7-There were no set trick or treating hours. We left as soon as we could, and we stayed out as long as we could. And when the parents ran out of candy or got sick of answering the door, they turned off the porch light. We kids knew it was the signal so to speak.
8-No one handed out healthy treats, and if they did, we didn’t go back to their house the following year. Back in the day, candy was the name of the game. No Goldfish crackers, no popcorn, no apples. No one counted calories or worried about childhood obesity back then. In some ways, we kids had it made.
9-And if you did buy your kid a costume…You didn’t have to worry about it being too sexy. Seriously, as the mother of 3 daughters, and yes I am conservative, but some of the costumes out there! I could care less what adult women wear, but kids need to be kids.
10-Pumpkins were round and orange and that was it. A few years back my daughter wanted a white pumpkin. It was cool and different and…for me, just not the same. I think all the different gourds are interesting but when I’m carving a jack-o-lantern, I want it to be round and orange.
May your Halloween be filled with cute little Disney princesses, handsome Spidermans, scary zombies and lots and lots of candy. The apples can wait.
“Remember to ask your teacher about your project when you get to school,” I said.
“Why can’t you just email her?” she asked.
I could have, and the truth was, it would have been easier.
“Because you need to learn to handle things on your own,” I replied.
“But I’m only 11,” she said; she did not want to handle things on her own.
“I know honey, but you’re almost 12,” I said, “It’s time to spread your wings a little.”
Though they sometimes resist, I am often nudging my growing girls to do things on their own. I am striving to teach them to be responsible. I want to help them spread their wings.
When my girls were young, I found the steps for doing this to be fairly intuitive. I encouraged each child as she learned to walk, potty-trained her, taught her how to get dressed and cheered her on as she went to school. Next we tackled chores and homework and learning to ride a bike. Like all parents, I gave my girls baby steps toward independence. But the older my girls get, the more blurred the lines of freedom and responsibility become.
At what point is a child responsible for tracking his own homework?
When should he be held accountable for doing chores (without reminders)?
How old is old enough to stay home alone?
And as they enter the teen years; how much freedom is enough, how much is not enough?
There are no ‘right’ answers. Parents are simply presented with situations and thereby forced to make decisions. Sometimes I make good ones, sometimes not. But I try to remember I get only 18 years to raise my kids, 18 years to teach them how to fly. I use this truth as my guide.
I am so fascinated by birds. I love how cheerful they are, love to watch them as they search for food, prepare a nest and protect their young. These tiny creatures appear to be so happy and carefree.
I recently watched a video of a mama bird teaching her children how to fly. Mostly the video focused on the babies in the nest. How long it took them to leave! First they watched their mother fly away, their heads swooping up and down as they observed her. Next one or two of them peered out over the nest pensively. Their body language revealed their unease; after looking out at the world, they suddenly backed up in fear.
Leaping out into the great unknown; even baby birds are anxious when it comes to leaving the safety of the nest.
Stretching our wings is never comfortable. But it is also how we learn.
By getting up again after we fall.
Sometime I fear my generation doesn’t allow our children to do this. We love our children so much so that we don’t want them to fall or fail. We know how much it hurts. So instead we smooth the edges of life’s storms in order to shelter them. We limit their responsibility and freedom so that we can protect them. We email their teachers because it is easier then relying on our child to be responsible for himself.
But good parenting involves stretching.
So as easy as it is for me to email my youngest daughter’s teacher about her project, I won’t.
As hard as it is to trust her when she tells me she has a handle on her homework, to give her a little freedom with social media, to allow her go off to the park with her friend (without me), I will do it.
I will trust my gut, trust my daughter and trust God as he helps me raise her. And when she falls, because she surely will, I will help her get back up again.
I will allow her to stretch her wings now, in hopes that later in life I can watch her soar.
“What if I come in last?”
It was a valid question. I needed to answer carefully.
“Well,” I began, “what if you don’t?”
I could see the shift in her eyes, the change her in stance, as she considered this equally valid thought.
It was the night before my youngest daughter’s first cross country meet. She’d joined the team, mainly I think because her older sister is a runner. She’d been to several of her meets, and thought it looked like fun. Only this daughter had never run before. I had no idea what would happen; but of course I wanted to encourage her.
First Item to Remember: We all need someone to believe in us, especially when we don’t believe in ourselves. Surround yourself with people who will support you.
It hadn’t gone so smoothly. Late August in Indiana is nothing if not humid. So when practice started and my non-running daughter was asked to run 1.8 miles in the steamy heat, she struggled. She quickly grew tired and sweaty and found herself gasping for air at just about every practice. She often had to stop and walk.
Those first weeks of practice were difficult. There were days she wanted to quit. There were lots of talks and tears and a bit of stress for us all.
Second Thing to Remember: No one excels instantly; anything worth doing takes effort, time and practice.
It’s hard to watch your child struggle. I really had no idea what to do. Part of me thought she should hang in there, part of me knows not everyone is a runner; perhaps this was just wasn’t her thing. So I left it to her. I made sure she knew her dad and I didn’t care whether she ran or not; we just wanted her to do what she wanted to do. She chose to stick it out.
And so here we were, the night before her first meet. Her nerves were setting in.
“What if I can’t breath again, do you think I could have asthma?”
Again, I needed to choose my words carefully. Running is 90% mental. Just thinking she had asthma would worry her, could make her panic during the race.
“Well, you didn’t have any trouble running last spring in soccer,” I reminded her, “I think you’re fine. Just go out there and do your best. No matter what, you’ll get through it, you’ll be okay.”
I had no idea what would happen. But it didn’t matter. Right then she needed me to believe in her.
Somehow, God had given me words to comfort. My daughter went to bed easily, her worries subsided, at least for the night. Too bad no one gave me words of comfort.
The day of the meet was yet another steamy one. My husband rushed home from work that evening and we headed out to the course to see our girl in her debut race. And that’s when it hit me.
What if she DOES have asthma?
What if she CAN’T finish the race?
What if my encouraging words put her at RISK?
The gun went off and I could feel the sweat trickling down from my temples; it wasn’t just the heat. I was completely stressed, worried my daughter might have an asthma attack in the woods where there was no one there to help her.
Just watching cross country is a bit of a work out in and of itself. You watch the start of the race, then hike it over to the middle of the course to wait for the runners to come out of the woods so you can cheer them on, then you run back to the finish line to see the end of the race. When we were midway through the course I watched as girl after girl ran past, only I didn’t see my girl.
What if she DOES have asthma?
What if she CAN’T finish the race?
What if my encouraging words put her at RISK?
By this time I was sweating profusely. Please God, I begged, help her. Finally a few agonizing minutes later, we saw a second round of girls; but still no Abby.
“I don’t see her! Do you see her?” I asked my husband impatiently.
It took him a while to respond, “Yea, I see her, she’s one of the last girls out there.”
Minutes later I finally saw her. She was running, slowly, but she was running! No panting, no apparent asthma and a silent prayer of thanks from me. We cheered her on as if she were in first place.
Third Thing to Remember: Trust in what you cannot see; and remember, there’s no reason to panic in advance.
Next we ran over to the finish line. One by one the girls ran past us. Girls on fire! Our girl though, was nowhere in sight. Again my panic set in.
What if she DOES have asthma?
What if she CAN’T finish the race?
What if my encouraging words put her at RISK?
Fourth Important Lesson: The trust thing takes time and practice.
Many long minutes later and I saw her. She was making her way to the finish and I have to say I was glad to see she wasn’t in last place. A tiny girl in green was a good 20 feet behind her. But it didn’t last long-the girl in green sped up, she got faster and faster and suddenly passed Abby.
I looked at my girl, worried for her, concerned and wondering how she would take finishing last. But I needn’t have worried. One look at Abby’s face and I could see her determination. She kicked it in and ran like nobody’s business, passing the girl in green. So much for asthma.
And Number Five: Never under estimate your own or another person’s potential. Anything can happen.
My girl came in almost dead last. I’ve never been so proud.