It’s been a rough week for me.  So I’m holding onto scripture today.  It’s what I do when life gets out of control.  When my plate is full, when my hands are tied, when my mind is running ahead of me.

And it helps.

Because it reminds me I am not in charge.  It reminds me I am not in control.  It reminds me that sometimes, like a small child, I just need to sit down. Stop. And Listen.

I’ve been down this road a thousand times.  The road where I think I know better than He.  The road where I allow my own plans, my own excitement or my own worries to lead the way.  But whenever I take this road, I get lost.

And frustrated.  Agitated.  Arrogant.  And finally, I remember to stop and pray.  I ask for forgiveness. Ask for guidance.  Ask for patience.   And suddenly the peace, the wisdom, the answers: they come.  And it feels so good when the weight on my shoulders dissolves.

When I do this, I make progress.  I think before I walk.  I pray before I move.  I succeed, find myself headed in the right direction.  Until I get comfortable…And then, I get lost all over again.

This is my circle of life.

But slowly, ever so slowly, I am learning.  At least I like to think so (perhaps God is rolling his eyes right now).  But maybe I’m not.  Perhaps I’m just imperfect, and never, ever going to change.  But that’s not a fun thought!  So instead, I prefer to think I’m learning.  Improving.  Getting wiser with age.  That eventually my time spent leading the show will be less, and my time spent following Him will be more.  But who knows…

Regardless, every time I fall, fail, fear, forget, I’m happy to hold onto scripture.  To read it, write it down, absorb it’s meaning. To start over in my following instead of leading. And lucky for me, He never scoffs, never turns me away, never gets angry that once again I have wandered off path.

Here is what I love about reading the Bible: always, I find new meaning in old verses. Words I have read over and over again, words I’ve held onto in the past, when read again take on new significance.  It’s amazing.  It’s cool. It’s actually a bit mind blowing.

It’s true that I love to see connections.  My vivid imagination, my love for story, my creativity, they lead me to see things that perhaps others just don’t see.  Or don’t believe.  But who cares?  And who really knows anyway?  Wouldn’t you rather believe and see the dots that might be connected?  Wouldn’t you take being observant over being blind? Wouldn’t you rather step out in faith and just see what happens?

So today, once again, I find myself having to sit down.  Stop.  And listen.  And again I am reminded that I must let go, must let Him lead.  Any bets on how long I’ll last this time?