Searching For Answers I Cannot Find

photo courtesy of bing images and found on:

Dear God,

It’s me, Tracy. I’m writing to you today because there is just so much I don’t understand. So much I can’t grasp. So much grief, so much pain, so much I wish I could comprehend about your ways.

I know you love me. I know you care about all of your children. I know you have plans I cannot even begin to fathom. And while I really do trust you, if I’m honest, I have to tell you I still don’t get it.

I don’t understand why bad things happen to good people.

I don’t understand why my daughter’s close friend had to die in a senseless accident.

I don’t get how my friend, a friend who is such a good soul could discover that her cancer is back, for a third time.

I can’t make sense of that fact that another young friend who became a widow just weeks ago, who lost her father less than a year ago, is now laying her younger brother to rest.

I don’t understand.

And this is just the icing on the cake for what has already been a year of difficultly for me. A time surrounded by death and cancer and terminal illness and sadness.

A year where I honestly don’t have enough fingers and toes to count the number of people I know, including myself, who’ve had to face tragic circumstances. I am saddened. Hurt. Confused. Mystified. My faith is strong and, truly, even that doesn’t make sense to me.

But I believe in you. I believe in the plans you have for me. I believe your ways are better than my ways. But I do not understand. And most of all I don’t know what to do with all my emotions. Don’t know how to share with others just how much I care.

Somehow in my humanness, I have this thought that it should be a fair world. I want for those with a pure heart to experience only joy, and not pain. I want for those who were born into a difficult hand, those who’ve never known you, to find you.

I want for those who love and honor you in their lives to be dealt the best hand.

But that’s not how it works.  We do not earn our spot in heaven.  We do not earn on blessings on this earth.

So tell me. Not why, because I know you can’t. And I know if you did, my human brain which comprehends only logic, could not make sense of it anyway. I also know it is more than I need to know.

But tell me God. Tell me what to do, how to feel, what my heart is to learn from all I have seen in this year. I’m here God, and despite all the darkness around me, I’m not going anywhere.  And I’m ready to listen.



About thewritertracy

Writer, Mom, Lover of books, travel, family, friends and fun.
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12 Responses to Searching For Answers I Cannot Find

  1. Tracy, I think we all feel what you feel in a world gone haywire. I was there a few weeks ago myself…right where you are. Even went to the doctor for some happy drugs…she said a strong conscience doesn’t qualify for happy drugs. If faith were easy; everyone would have it. Right? Here’s how I try to look at it…when my kids were little they didn’t understand the reasons I instructed them as I did….they just couldn’t comprehend the bigger picture I could see. Multiple that by a billion and you have you the child and God the Father… Stay the course, continue to pray, help where you can. And count on God to move you faithfully through the tough times.

    • Stay the course, continue to pray and help where you can. Wise words Cindy. I am trying, just finding it really hard to make sense of all that is going on. Mostly I want to know what to do with it. Surely God is teaching me something, I just don’t yet know what it is! 😉

  2. Sabra Penley says:

    Sometimes all we can do is cry out to Him and wait for Him to show us the good that He promises will come from all the bad. Praying He will comfort you, Tracy, and give you peace as you wait upon Him. Blessings to you, sweet friend.

  3. Bridgette says:

    Beautifully written. I’ve struggled with that exact feeling. What are we supposed to do with all these emotions? How do we support others and show we love them…even when we feel we have nothing left to give? I pray for answers and for peace.

    • Thanks Bridgette. I guess in order to learn, we must first question. And I guess that is where we both are right now. I am sure the answers will come, just not as quickly as I’d like. God’s timing is so different from mine! 🙂

  4. Aunt Stevie says:

    Sometimes “life” is so hard to take. Our faith and trust in Our Father is stretched beyond what we think we can handle. You are calling out to Him for understanding and waiting on Him – that’s the right thing to do. He is faithful and trustworthy to meet you when you are ready to receive it. I pray for His comfort and peace to enfold you. One thing that helps me ( especially as I get older) is to remember that this short life is not our forever life. With love, Aunt Stevie

    • Love that thought Aunt Stevie that this is our short life. It’s funny how we mourn loss in this world when we know the next is coming. I guess we do so because this is all we know, but if we can remember what you are saying it takes a bit of the edge off!

  5. lisanne3015 says:

    Yesterday, I fed my father-in-law strawberry ice cream as the nurse shamelessly adjusted his diaper…sweetest, most God loving man I know. He did not know me and returned to his fitful, nightmare sleep after only a few minutes of my visit. There is no understanding the reason for this. God is sovereign. We must rest in that. Thank you for this beautiful, timely piece.

    • Joyce Welbaum says:

      I always love the Bible verse, “Be still, and know that I am God!” Right now we see through a veil darkly, but someday all the answers will be revealed. We just don’t know when, or even if it will be in our lifetime. I do know that God is love, and all that happens today will have a grander purpose in the end. We just have to keep remembering that even in the tough times. We cannot control the storms, but we can set the sail. Praying for peace for you.
      Aunt Joyce

      • This is one of my favorite verses in the Bible, and a good one to cling to in difficult times. I also like Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” He knows why even when we don’t.

    • I am sorry for what he/you are going through, so difficult. Yes, we must rest in knowing God is sovereign. I guess in the end it is all about trust. What a blessing you are to your father-in-law, even if he cannot express that to you.

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